It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Randomize