Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
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Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
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Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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