she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize