I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
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I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
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and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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