at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize