I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
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He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
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Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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