I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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