i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
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Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
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You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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