If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I could fuck to npr.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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