one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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