sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Everyone says I win the strip club
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
