I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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