Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
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I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
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So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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