Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
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No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
did i walk over a car last night?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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