Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize