forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
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Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
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I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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