let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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