It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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