dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
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He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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