my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
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