I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
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apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
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I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
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