I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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