I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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