mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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