I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
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He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
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Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I can't put those talents on a resume
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
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