i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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