She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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