I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
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both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
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I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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