I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
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You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
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I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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