the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
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You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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