my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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