Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize