hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
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No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
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We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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