I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
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Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
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My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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