I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
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Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
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Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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