you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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