you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
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Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
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I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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