Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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