p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
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i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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