I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize