I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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