She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
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She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
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I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
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