So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
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it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
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And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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