remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
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My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
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She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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