he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
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He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
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Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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