My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
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I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
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I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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