Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
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Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
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...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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