called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Please don't give away my fajitas
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