she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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