I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
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I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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